The Dylan Saga
by 280448
Summary: The wacky and random adventures of Dylan as she joins forces with Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus to save her friends from the agents.
1. Chapter 1

It was a normal day for Dylan and her trusty pc 'matrix' eating cereal together at the breakfast table. But their crunchy meal was soon to be interrupted... by the doorbell. Dylan got up and walked into the living room, opening the door to find...Agent Smith!

"I have some matters to discuss with you...Miss Skylar."

Dylan, however, was not listening because she was completely freaking out obsessing over the fact that Agent Smith was on her doorstep. Seeing how he was being ignored...or at least what he was saying was...Agent Smith pulled out his gun. He did not like being ignored. Fortunately Dylan was a smart child and closed the door.

BLAM!

Dylan's door also happened to be bullet proof. Unfortunately, the door was not kick proof, and Agent Smith had soon kicked his way through. He then realized she had only closed the door, not locked it, and opened it the normal way.

The force of the door opening threw Dylan backwards as Agent Smith entered.

"I don't like playing games, Miss Skylar. It's really not wise to laugh at an Agent." He paused in annoyance as he realized Dylan was still looking highly amused. "You must realize I know all about you. In one life you are a normal girl at a prestigious high school. In another you are an online hacker, going by the alias of Vampiryyn, making fancy web pages, and writing..." he grimaced, "fanfiction. One of these lives has a future, the other does not." He pointed his gun at her head. "You chose."

Dylan was very scared by the sight of the gun, as she no longer had a door to close in the agent's face. Mere fear, however, did not daunt her. Instead she kicked the gun out of Agent Smith's hand, using the mad skills she had acquired from practice with hacky-sack. She then pushed the baffled Agent Smith out the door, also closing the kick-proof screen this time. Not hearing any curse words being thrown at her from outside, Dylan decided everything was ok and would go back to normal. How wrong she was. As she stepped into her bathroom and looked into the mirror she realized something was amiss.

"Ahhh! Goopy mirror!"

The mirror had in fact become 'goopy' as she put it, and was quickly enveloping her in it's cold, 'goopy' grasp. Dylan awoke in a dim room surrounded by dark figures in black trench-coats. Her eyes hurt, and she had no hair. She gasped.

"Oh my god! I'm out of the Matrix and you guys are Morpheus and Trinity and Neo and those other guys and somehow my present day is a time when none of you have died yet!" She gasped again. "I know the future!"

The crew of the...ship...thingey...looked at her in a puzzled fashion.

"Wow," said Neo, "we haven't even plugged her into any programs yet."

Morpheus smiled at Dylan.

"Yes, welcome to the ship...thingey...I am Morpheus, and we tracked you and picked you up after your mirror went psycho and spit you out of the Matrix."

"Wait..." muttered Dylan, "how could you track me if I never swallowed one of those red pills?"

Morpheus smiled...again.

"The tracking program can take many forms...we knew the Agents would come after one who creates such great web pages and fanfiction, so we made one that looks like a chocolate bar and put it on your window sill."

"Oh...so that's what that chocolate bar was doing there..."

"Yes, yes," muttered Morpheus. "but we have no time to waste. You must come with us back into the matrix to save your friends, who the Agents have targeted."

Dylan was shocked to learn that her friends might be in danger, but one thing was still bothering her.

"Um, should I, y'know, download some programs so I can have super mad kung fu moves and stuff to fight the agents with and be able to jump over buildings and that kinda stuff?"

"No time for that!" Morpheus exclaimed, "you'll pick it up as you go along."

Dylan was about to make a sarcastic comment before she was thrust back into the world of the matrix. Dylan appeared back in her own town, on her own street, wearing the most kickass clothing she had ever seen. her clothing was so kickass, in fact, that it could not be adequately described. As an inadequate description though, it was very black, very flowing, and involved sunglasses.

"Where to?" asked Dylan. Neo tilted his head as he used his omniscient One powers and replied.

"Agent Smith is attacking your red-haired friend."

"No! Natalie!" Dylan shouted, panic for her friend's safety setting in. Despite having no previous experience in the art, she flew off to her friend's aid, being shortly followed by Neo and then Morpheus and Trinity, because they somehow learned how to fly. Upon arriving at Natalie's house, Dylan was overjoyed to see that her friend was alright. The red-head had held off Smith's attack by hitting him with her herring and running around alot.

"Natalie! We've come to rescue you!" Dylan flew down to the scene of the battle, realizing a bit late that she didn't know how to land.

WHAM!

She plowed into Agent Smith, causing them both to fall over and the agent's gun to be knocked out of his hand. After much confused scrambling, the teen and the program managed to separate themselves, standing to face each other.

"You shouldn't have come back, Miss Skylar." He smirked. "Now you will meet your doom."

Dylan glared at him.

"My name...is Dylan! CANADAAAA!" She launched herself at the agent, adopting Neo's fighting techniques as she and the agent did the dance of death...salsa.

"Neo, now!" yelled Morpheus, pointing toward Natalie. "Give the girl this while Smith is distracted!" He threw Neo a foil-wrapped object, which The One opened to reveal...

"A brownie? You want me to give her a brownie!"

"It is not just any brownie, Neo, it is a Nestle Tollhouse brownie with real Hershey's chocolate."

"..."

"It's also a tracking device so that we can pull her out of the matrix before she is possessed by an agent."

"Oh...ok." Neo walked over to Natalie. "Um, hey, I need you to eat this." The girl stared warily at the chocolate pastry.

"No."

"What? Why not?"

Natalie gave him an annoyed look.

"You think I don't know about brownies? You're a drug lord trying to corrupt my young and impressionable mind! Leave me alone or I'll be forced to defend myself."

Neo looked blankly at her for a moment.

"Yeah...I still really need you to eat this."

SMACK!

The One got a face-full of fish.

Meanwhile...

"One two three, one two three..." Dylan whispered the counts under her breath as she danced with the program.

"Careful, Miss Skylar," Smith cautioned. "You wouldn't want to-" he dipped her, "lose count."

"You wish Smith," Dylan spat back, coming out of the dip into another quick three count and then a spin. Their dancing quickened, becoming faster and faster as the program tried to make the girl slip-up. "I will beat you. I wont let you hurt my friends."

"Ah, how touching," sneered the agent. "But you will find such a thing easier said than done. I am a program. I do not get tired. But you...you are only human."

So, while Dylan and Smith were...dancing, Neo was getting smacked around by a red-head with a herring.

WHACK "Ow!" WHACK "Hey-" WHACK "-little-" WHACK "-help?" WHACKWHACKWHACK.

"I'm sorry Neo," Morpheus stated somberly, "but we cannot help you."

"But...you're just standing there!" Neo had finally figured out that if he dodged, the fish would not hit him.

"Yes, well, we're...supervising."

Meanwhile, back at her dance contest with Smith, Dylan decided that this was all really pointless and that exposition sucked.

"Neo!" she yelled. "Throw me the brownie!" The One did so and she caught it in one hand while blocking an oncoming attack from Smith with the other. Briefly using her super mad kung fu moves to actually fight the agent, she finally managed to put him in an arm lock while grabbing his very stylish tie.

"You cannot win Miss Skylar," Smith stated, attempting to bring back the horrible exposition. But Dylan ignored him.

"Do you know what happens when you give someone who's not plugged into the Matrix something that takes them out of the Matrix?" she asked. Smith looked at her blankly. "So do I." She then force fed Smith the brownie...something that will not be described in detail, and he exploded in a puff of smoke and light and confetti. "Natalie, I'm so glad you're safe!" Dylan exclaimed. Her friend was holding her herring in a threatening manner while looking at Neo, but snapped out of it to give her rescuer a hug. "Are you alright, Natalie?" Dylan asked.

Natalie looked around at the ruins of her home, the rubble, the flames, her family sitting perfectly unharmed on the lawn where they had been the entire time. She looked at her friend, tears in her eyes.

"They shot my herring!"

It was at this moment that Neo got a call. "Hello? ...Yes. ...How'd you get this number? Oh, ok. Yeah, we'll be right over." He hung up the phone and calmly put it back in his pocket before looking up to realize everyone was staring at him. "Oh, that was your friend Robert. He says there are agents at his house...a lot of agents."


	2. Chapter 2

So, when we left our heroes they were in front of Natalie's house, having received a phone call from Robert.

"We should leave," said Trinity, and immediately the three rose into the air. ...Then Neo realized there were only three of them.

"Um... Dylan?"

"Hm?" she asked, deeply enthralled in her and Natalie's game of Go Fish.

"We should kinda go help your friend now."

She paused, thoughtful, then shrugged.

"Eh... he'll be fine on his own."

"Are you sure?" The One sunk back to the ground dejectedly, finding the idea that someone might not need the help of his god-like power over machines very depressing indeed.

"Yeah... I'm pretty sure." There was a moment of silence before she looked up and realized Neo was full out moping. "... You want to play?"

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure."

Dylan and Natalie both held back laughs as Neo's face lit up like Christmas in the Park.

"Cool! Deal me in!"

"Ahem..."

They looked back up to see Trinity and Morpheus were still hovering a good foot off the ground and looking peeved.

"Now is not the time to be playing card games," pointed out Morpheus. "There are far more important matters at hand."

"You guys can play too if you want."

"... Only if Trinity and I get to play on the same team."

"What?" The woman turned in mid-air to face her captain. "Why do we have to share a team?"

Morpheus looked embarrassed in that way captains are when they still want to look cool in front of their crew.

"I have been out of the Matrix far longer than you have. My Go Fish skills are... rusty."

She sighed.

"Fine..."

"Great," said Dylan as she dealt out another hand. "Come on down and pull up some... rubble."

Meanwhile...

"Where's Neo?" wondered Robert, having managed to barricade himself in his room after fighting off an agent with a taped bo staff, and only just getting through the door and closing it before the weapon had broken again.

It had been over an hour since he'd called, and while he had felt very assured in his ability to fight off whatever Matrix baddies were thrown at him (what with his stylish sunglasses, hair style, and trench coat), there were now 25 agents around and within his house. Rational survival instincts had kicked in.

"Shitshitshit, how the HELL do I taken on twenty-five agents?!"

The teen looked frantically around his room in an attempt to find something to use against the army gathering outside his door and bedroom windows. How they hadn't managed to get in yet was a question that will never be addressed.

"Ok... something to use as a weapon. Books, no. CDs, no. Dirty clothing... no. TV, no. Playstation... well maybe if I could set it on fire...eh, no." He did another sweep, finding nothing new. "Guess I'll have to manage with the bo... halves." He pulled off the duct tape, wielding the two shorter sticks and noting the splintered ends. "That should be useful."

At that moment an agent spontaneously burst through his window. He bounced off the bed and landed on the floor, straightening his sunglasses as he stood up. "You are befriended to the one who destroyed one of us... you must be terminated."

"Yeah..." muttered Robert. "Wrong movie." He took a fighting stance. "I am sooo going to die..."

The battle started. The agent swung a right hook, but Robert blocked with one of his sticks, kicking out at his adversary. Unfortunately, with his agent speed the boy's opponent was able to catch his leg.

"Aw fuck..."

A moment later Robert went sailing through the window.

After landing on the lawn, relatively unharmed do to multiple aikido lessons, he rolled over onto his back, observing a pristine blue sky with white puffy clouds through tinted lenses.

"Well... that wasn't so bad." He got himself up off the ground, brushed the dried grass from his clothes (twirling the sticks for good measure), and looked up to realize he was surrounded. "Hm. Today really isn't my day." He looked around the circle at the myriad of men in dark suits and sunglasses, paused, then struck out at the nearest agent.

The splintered end of his stick stabbed into the program's hand and raked across as the appendage was pulled back hastily by its owner. Honestly the attack had only scratched him, causing thin red lines to appear where the points had broken skin, but despite the meagerness of the attack the agent looked furious.

"You... you..." his expression of anger dissolved and his tone became whining. "You gave me a splinter!"

Robert paused again at the possibility that he'd just defeated an agent with a piece of jagged wood.

"Uh..."

"I mean, I didn't even kick you or anything yet! And you just... just..."

Another pause as he tried to figure out what to do with the program in front of him, which now looked to be near tears.

"There's a pair of tweezers in the bathroom. You could probably get my mom to help if you guys haven't knocked her out yet..."

"Wait, who is this?" asked another agent from the circle, and Robert turned, his face clearly showing the whole ordeal had become too surreal for him.

"Woman, about..." he held up a hand, "yea high with curly red hair who looks kinda like me."

"Oh!" said another one. "The woman with the cookies. Don't worry, she's fine."

"Yeah... good to know." He stepped back a bit as the 'wounded' agent ran off to find the tweezers and the others moved in to close the gap he had left. "So. I don't suppose the rest of you might go down as easy?"

"No," answered one of the agents. "It was Carl's first day. The rest of us are seasoned veterans."

"Oh... goody." Robert took a deep breath. "Alright, I guess we should get on with it then."

He posed, the agents posed. They both stood there a while. Then Robert coughed. What happened next was essentially a repeat of the dogpile scene from Revolutions... except with more screaming on Robert's part.

Meanwhile.

"Do you have any... ONES?" asked Neo.

"Go Fish."

"Drat..."

"Neo, you ask us that every time, and you have more than three cards in your hand."

"Yeah... well I like ones," he mumbled.

"Whatever. Who's turn is it?"

"Yours, Trinity."

"Oh... right." She gave a quick glance at her hand. "Do you have any-"

"Trinity. Might I remind you we're supposed to be a team?"

The woman sighed.

"Alright, what do you think we should ask for?"

He seemed to study the cards for a moment before finally pointing at one.

"That's what I was going to say!"

Morpheus shrugged.

"It appears great minds think alike."

"Uh huh..." she said, then muttered, "stupid captain... big showoff with your idiot speeches while not wearing a shirt..."

"Might I also remind you, Trinity, that I have excellent hearing, and I don't think it's very polite to say those things about Dylan's mice."

Across the circle Natalie and Dylan both blinked in a very confused manner.

"...What?" whispered Natalie.

"I... don't... know," Dylan whispered back. "I don't even own mice."

Simultaneously...

"Ahhhhhh-owowowowow."

Somewhere in the midst of fighting, one of the agents had grabbed Robert by the ankles and begun swinging him around in a circle. Unfortunately, that circle intersected a row of bushes, and so the boy's flying form was made to look even more ridiculous by the leaves and twigs tangled in his hair. The humbling experience was soon ended when the agent let go and allowed his human catapult to go flying through a fence.

WHAM!

Robert's form ripped a hole in the metal links as he flew through, hitting the ground with his back and sliding to rest again the pool house wall.

"Ow..."

The position in which he had landed, which had turned into the half-way slumped over position he was in now when he had hit the wall, allowed him to see the agents coming for him. The downside of the fact was that having been thrown through the air and landing against his precious, precious spine had caused him to go into shock and, despite how much he wanted to, render him momentarily unable to move.

The programs closed in, and he feared that perhaps this was the end... and then he heard it... the sound of sneakers on pavement. Salvation had arrived. The sound stopped as the back gate was pulled open to reveal...

"Hey Zaggy," Robert managed to cough out.

Bruce blinked, then looked down.

"Oh. There you are."


	3. Chapter 3

As the agents advanced, Bruce stepped out in front of Robert, taking a fighting stance while simultaneously drawing a black, wooden katana.

"Can you stand?"

He didn't wait for a response, instead grabbing the front of the wounded teen's shirt, pulling him to his feet and then letting go so the boy flailed aimlessly for a moment. Robert managed to steady himself with the wall, giving his friend a mild glare.

"Yeah, I _guess_ so."

Bruce blocked attacks from the agents as he and Robert slowly retreated along the edge of the pool. Agents swarmed forward, but only a few could come forward at a time, so a lot of them were chatting and playing hand games.

"How many piec-es did he get..."

"Aww! I'm always out first!"

"Did you _see_ those shades? Totally last year."

Despite Bruce's evident ability to keep the agents at bay, his friend was becoming increasingly more nervous.

"Um... what are we going to do when they realize they can go _around_ the pool?"

"Hey! That's a good idea!" said one of the agents, immediately starting a mass migration of half the group to go around the pool while the other half stayed to fight Bruce.

"Nice going!"

"Do something!" cried the panicked teen.

"Me? You're the one who called them over. _You_ do something!"

"I DON'T HAVE A WEAPON!"

Bruce paused thoughtfully after throwing an agent into the pool.

"That might be a problem."

"No, you think?"

"Come on."

"What are you- AHHH!" Robert screamed, both because the second group had finally arrived on their side of the pool and because his sole chance at not getting beaten up again had taken off to charge through the programs in front of them. He quickly ran to catch up, their path ending as they came to the pool house door and Bruce opened it while shoving him in.

"Ow..." Robert moaned as he picked himself up off the floor. "That hurt you know."

"Grab a weapon!" yelled his companion, stalling the agents at the pool house entrance.

"Wait..."

"No. No waiting. Grab a weapon now or fight agents without one."

"But how is you blocking that entrance stopping the agents from coming through the other one?"

"Hey! That's a good idea!"

"Shit."

"You did it again! Why do I expend energy on saving you?!"

Boing!

"Boing?"

Splash!

"Wait, what just happened?" asked Robert, confused and freaking out at the same time. Bruce gave an aggravated huff from the doorway.

"Using logic, I'd say an agent just bounced off the sliding glass door and fell in the pool."

"I'm... gonna take your word for that because I don't wanna go over there and look."

"Robert?"

"Yeah?"

"Weapon."

"Gotcha."

The boy picked up a newer, better, hopefully stronger bo staff and ran over behind Bruce.

"Now what?"

"Now we see how good you are at pole vaulting."

"Wait, wha-AHHHHH!" he screamed as his friend grabbed him and somehow managed to throw him over the entire swarm of agents. His arms and legs flailed in small, circular motions as the ground came up at him faster, faster...

WHAM!

A few moments later Bruce had fought a good portion of the agents into submission and kept the others at bay by turning on a garden hose and letting the water spread out over the ground. He came to crouch by Robert's crumpled form as the agents pranced and scattered to protect their shiny designer shoes from water damage.

"Hm. I wouldn't join the Olympics if I were you."

"You... suck..."

"So do you. Now get up and help me fight agents."

Robert stood, only mildly surprised nothing was broken, as years of such things had made him incredibly durable. He posed as Bruce did the same beside him.

"Let's do this."

When Dylan, Neo, and the rest arrived, Robert and Bruce had just left the backyard after a bout of fighting an endlessly - well, _nearly_ endlessly – regenerating wave of agents for three hours. Yes, this seems like a long time, but fortunately there were union regulated naps that kept the two from getting too overwhelmed. The agents were mildly displeased with the advantage their opposition was being given, but really couldn't complain since it was their own union that was regulating the breaks.

"Dude, where were you guys?!" asked Robert.

"We were playing Go Fish!" exclaimed Neo, evidently looking pleased with himself. "So. Where are the agents?"

"Gone. We defeated them. _All of them._"

"So... there are no more agents?"

"No."

"Oh." Neo gave a small sigh. "I _knew_ I wasn't going to get to use my god-like powers..."

"So while we were here, fighting for our lives-"

"Fighting for _your_ life," interjected Bruce. Robert gave him a cold glare.

"Don't push me right now."

"I'm just saying... the only reason I came over here was to save your sorry ass. I was never in danger from the beginning."

"Fine. Whatever. Anyway... for the last three hours all of you were playing Go Fish?!"

"Of course not," said Dylan. "That was far more than three hours ago. We were actually done after a few games, but then Neo's One Sense told him that Cats was showing, and we couldn't miss that, so we all went to see it."

Robert looked to be tightrope walking the thin line between outraged disbelief and confused intrigue.

"Cats is playing in the Bay Area?"

"Bay Area? No, why would it be playing here? We saw it on Broadway."

Robert plummeted from the tightrope on the outraged disbelief side... which also happened to be the side without a net.

"Would you like some dried eggplant?" asked Morpheus, holding out a bag of wrinkled, purple-ish discs.

Robert gave him a look.

"They're really quite good."

"No, that's alright," the boy muttered, holding a hand to his forehead to still his ever-growing frustration. "There's nothing more to do here, so why don't you all just get on with whatever adventure you're all having."

"But what if more agents come?"

"Then I will fight them," he said with faked cheerfulness.

"And if you lose?"

"Then that'll suck."

Dylan shrugged.

"Whatever, we need to go help other people anyway. Neo, could you figure out who- um Neo?" The teen looked around, finding that The One had mysteriously disappeared. The others fell into battle positions, feeling some treachery was afoot. However, their fears were quickly evaporated by a cry from within the house.

"Cookies!"

"Yeah," said Bruce, "I could totally take him."

"You'd have to get past me to do it," shot Trinity.

"Your point?"

"Stop bickering you two," ordered Dylan. "We need to retrieve Neo so we can save my friends from the agents!"

"Right," said Trinity. "Let's go."


End file.
